I'm stoked. They should be here tomorrow!
11 years ago
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Use Common Sense
When something sounds to good to be true...it is to good to be true! I'm sitting in Starbucks and across from me is a sales rep for ACN pitching a guy on a pyramid scheme. Has all the right words, but isn't backing anything up. If you tell me that ACN is the only company the Donald Trump as endorsed. I would want proof. You can't just feed me lines and not give me meat.
Are you going to get rich? Yeah, if you can sell this crap phone to people and get people to buy into selling it with you. You can't go through life looking for the easy money. You'll never find it and be able to sleep with yourself. Or maybe I'm wrong and you can.
I'm going to wait and see if it cost this dude any money to join.
What They REALLY Mean.
Perry knocked another one out of he park! I laughed, I cried and I did them both at the same time. Hopefully you get a kick out of these as well, What They REALLY Mean:
(WARNING…you will probably only like this post if you are a pastor or a staff member of a church!)
What They Say: “I’m looking for a church that preaches the Word!”
What They Mean: “I’m looking for a church that preaches MY view of the Word. I think the BLANK translation should be used…I think BLANK should be talked about a lot while BLANK should be ignored. And if you ever stop preaching my view of the Word I will leave and tell others that you don’t preach the Word!”
What They Say: “Lot’s of people have been coming to me and saying they don’t like is…”
What They Mean: “I basically only have three friends…and all of them think exactly like me. The other night we were enjoying a time of self righteousness because, after all, we are right about everything…and were also slandering you (in the form of prayer requests) and thought it would be wise to approach you with our pet peeve. We’ve actually talked to no one else about this but said “lots” because we wanted to validate our dysfunction.”
What They Say: “I’m leaving the church.”
What They Mean: “Beg me to stay. If you will just ask me I will share with you several ways you can compromise God’s vision that He’s given you, thus becoming nothing more than a people pleasing pastor who is more interested in popularity than obedience. If you don’t bow to my demands I will remind you that I tithe and that the church needs my money, reducing you to a mere preaching whore…one who is paid for a service for the pleasure of another person.”
What They Say: “I want a church that is more focused on discipleship.”
What They Mean: “I want a church where everyone knows me and how important I am! I don’t want to reach people who are different from me, be it economic class or race or even musical preference. I already know WAY more than I do…but I somehow equate spirituality with knowledge rather than application and I rather enjoy feeling intellectually superior to those who don’t know as much as me.”
What They Say: “Don’t take this personally…but…”
What They Mean: “I am about to lower the BOOM on you…but you can’t get angry because I told you not to take it personally. Even though you have dedicated your life to this and pretty much invest every ounce of energy you have to this cause…and I think about it once or twice a week…you need to receive my attacks, even when they are personal…and you cannot retaliate because, remember, it’s not personal.”
I Would Go Every Week
If this happened at our prisons I would visit every week.
How did they get everyone on cue! This is amazing!
New Olympic Sport?
I'm thinking about making a ritual out of the office this year. Anyone want to make a weekly occurrence at my house or if another house is offered?
I can't wait. Can you?
Classic SNL Skit
Andrew and I were watching old SNL skits and remembered this one. One of the best skits SNL ever did. "MOO......"
Updated: The Best Quote Ever
We are are playing Family Feud DVD as I type and just finished add up our points (my team won by the way (just for Wendy). Correction, twice we won and then the other team quite playing with us). And Jeff (my step-brother) in all his wisdom, just made the following comment:
"The winning team always gets more points."
How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take?
Have you ever wonder how you would do in a fight against five year olds?
This short survey will tell you approximately how many five year old children you could fight with at once. Results are based on physical prowess, training, swarm0cimbatting experience, and the flexibility of your moral compass. Here are the grounds rules:
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This short survey will tell you approximately how many five year old children you could fight with at once. Results are based on physical prowess, training, swarm0cimbatting experience, and the flexibility of your moral compass. Here are the grounds rules:
- You are in an enclosed area roughly the size of a basketball court
- There are no weapons or foreign objects
- Everyone is wearing a cup (so no kicks to the groin)
- The children are merciless and will show no fear
- If a child is knocked unconscious, he is "out." The same goes for you
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